"Someday, when I'm a successful author, I will..."

 
The more involved I get with developing my craft as a writer, the more I find myself beginning sentences with, “Someday, when I am a successful author, I will…” That’s right. I am one of those writers who not only talks about writing all the time, but forces anyone within earshot to listen to my grand plans for the future. 

Unfortunately, it is more than a way for me to self-motivate. It is how I make excuses for myself.

After coming to terms with this ever-growing character flaw, I came to embrace it and laugh at it. Here is a list of some of the latest schemes.

Someday, when I am a successful author, I will:
 
  • Develop an organization system so simple and efficient that I will never be without a Post-it note, pen or highlighter. 
  • Move out of my brothers’ basement. 
  • Pay off my student and car loans like a responsible grown-up. I will take the rest of my royalties and blow it on shoes, vacations and scented candles. 
  • Read all of the books that have sat unread on my shelves for years. 
  • Use my new celebrity status to win over one of my childhood celebrity crushes, such as JC Chasez or Jonathan Taylor Thomas. If I am a successful writer, one of them will have to date me. 
  • Pay someone to make my house and yard look nice. Until then, good housekeeping can wait.
  • Hire a personal trainer named Gustav and a personal chef called Jean-Paul. Together, they will make me svelte and sexy. 
  • Take a three-month hiatus to backpack Europe. While there, I will embrace history and culture, making myself a better, well-rounded person. I will also meet a British gentleman or French vineyard owner with whom I will have a passionate, but ultimately ill-fated affair. I will use it as fodder to write a future best-seller. 
  • Buy a plot of land in Southern California. There, I will raise avocados, limes, tomatoes, peppers and grapefruits. I will trade some of the crop with a tortilla chip maker, tequila distillery and egg farmer. Combined, this will provide me with the sustenance and eccentricity I will need when I decide to become one of those reclusive authors who only steps out in the limelight every five years.

It all sounds reasonable, right?

Granted, success is in the eye of the beholder. While I could be satisfied with positive reviews and a steady income, somehow I do not think I will consider myself as having made it unless I at least get that avocado orchard.

Laura Chapman is a journalist, blogger, book reviewer and yet-to-be published novelist. In 2010, she founded Change the Word, a blog that follows her writing career and offers book reviews, author promotions and writing tips. Based in Lincoln, Nebraska, she has two completed novels in editing and is hard at work on her third, which she is adapting for a web series. A regular contributor at Good Humor Girl, you can read all Laura's articles and find out more about Laura. 

My First TV Crush: Zack Morris

By Isabella Louise Anderson
 
Do you remember being a teen and watching your crush on TV, wishing that one day he’d come and sweep you off your feet?  A few months ago, I was flipping channels and stumbled onto a show I had not seen in forever – Saved By The Bell!  That’s when I saw him – my first teen crush, Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar).  It was love at first sight all over again.

His adorable smile, sense of humor and bleached blonde hair made teenage girls like me swoon.  Week after week, Zack was the main reason I watched the show.  It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the other cast members or storyline, but when Zack was on the screen, I felt butterflies in my stomach.  His pranks, in and out of school, constantly got him in trouble – especially with his teachers (the most famous one being Miss Bliss, played by Hayley Mills) and principal, Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins).
 
Zack charmed his way into my heart, and he wasn’t always just a bad boy jokester. He was a lover too!  Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Thiessen) was Zack’s high school sweetheart.  They had their ups and downs, and dated other people, but finally marriedin Las Vegas on the show’s series finale!

Since the show ended in 1994, Mark-Paul has made appearances on other shows. Last summer when the TNTshow Franklin & Bash premiered, I knew I had to tune in.  I’m so glad I did!  While his smile is still the same, his hair is no longer blonde.  In the show, Mark-Paul plays Peter Bash, an unmarried, hardworking lawyer (I know, can you believe it?!), who fights for his clients.  (Is it okay if I pretend that Kelly is still his wife and they have twins, a girl and a boy?)  Franklin & Bash began their second season on June 5th!

Now, I think my crush is a beautiful blonde, turned sexy, hot lawyer… 

Who was your first TV crush?

Isabella Louise Anderson is a member of the RWA, and she is the owner of the website Chick Lit Goddess. She resides in Dallas, Texas, where she’s a housewife and mother to 12-year-old cat, Thorndike. A regular contributor at Good Humor Girl, you can read all Isabella's articles and learn more about Isabella.

Technology Ever After

By Misa Rush

I’ve recently developed a love-hate relationship with technology. Maybe I’m just getting old. However, there was a time when I embraced it. I can remember when we got our first Commodore 64 and also playing family Atari tournaments (I was the best at Video Pinball). The C64 is now comparable to the Ford Model T, sitting in a historical museum. There wasn’t much that I could do on it, although I impressed myself by programming my name to run in diagonals across the screen. Back then, games were fun, but they were only a portion of one’s daily life.

Now, my two-year-old begs to play with my iPhone. I hide it when I’m driving, both to avoid him playing with it and to lead by example. When my kids are sixteen and driving, I can’t tell them not to be on the phone if I do it myself.

For better or worse, technology is here to stay. Some things we can do with computers are amazing. For my kindergartener’s graduation ceremony, the teacher gave each child a DVD scrapbook video of their year. It brought tears to my eyes, and my daughter will have a keepsake for her lifetime. (As long as she upgrades it to the latest technology before DVDs are obsolete.)

In a twenty year span, we’ve gone from email to Facebook. We’ve gone from voice mail to Skype. Advertisements are specifically targeted to our likes, and our social accounts are frighteningly linked together. For instance, when I read an article on CNN.com recently, it showed me which of my Facebook friends also read it. (Insert Twilight Zone song here.) I worry about privacy. I worry about identity theft. I worry about radiation and brain cancer. Yep, the paranoia list goes on. But still, I sit here at a computer, typing away with both a cell phone and iPad by my side, and I love the fact that I get to share my simple thoughts with wonderful women like you.

How do you feel about technology?
Misa Rush competed in gymnastics for eighteen years, including four on a full-ride scholarship to Eastern Michigan University. She graduated from Arizona State University with a master's degree in business administration. She currently resides in Gilbert, Arizona, with her husband and two children. Family Pieces is her first novel. For more information, connect with Misa on http://misarush.com, Facebook and Twitter.

Keep It To Yourself! (Or Tell Your Therapist)

By Jackie Pilossoph

Every girl enjoys sharing. Over a glass of Pinot Noir or a grande skim latte, we love to talk about our guy and our relationships, what we love about him, what bugs us, and where we think the relationship is headed. Being able to confide in girlfriends is probably one of the greatest gifts in life, but where should you draw the line? Telling your girlfriend everything could get you in a lot of trouble. It could make her hate your guy, think he’s weird, question whether he’s good enough for you, and even make her think you should break up with him. When it comes to telling your girlfriends about the man you love, here are some topics you should strongly consider avoiding!

Fights: There are arguments in every relationship, and it’s okay to vent to your GF. That said, avoid telling her specific things that he said to you during a heated argument. “You’re a bitch!” “I can’t deal with you nagging me all the time,” and “Stop listening to your girlfriends,” are things you should keep to yourself. Because when the fight’s over, and the two of you are back in love, you’ll forget all of those comments, but your girlfriends never will.

Sex: What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom! Don’t share the intimate details of your sex life with even your closest GF. First of all, she doesn’t want to hear it, and might judge. Just sayin’. But even more importantly, sex is so much better if it stays between the two people who are doing it. The sexiest thing of all is when both of you know that you’re the only ones who know what goes on in the privacy of your bedroom.

His habits: He chews tobacco. He bets sports and goes to the OTB semi-monthly. He sneaks cigarettes from time to time. He sleeps with a sound machine. He’s a slob, to the point where his place only looks clean for a few hours every two weeks (after his cleaning woman has been there). These habits drive you nuts! So, obviously, they will turn off your girlfriends. Don’t share.

His ex relationships: Best friends don’t judge, right? Well, I guarantee they will if they find out about your guy’s past. Maybe he cheated on his last girlfriend. Maybe he dumped a girl out of the blue. Maybe he got so angry with a girl that he punched a hole in the wall of his old apartment. If you love him and you trust him, you will accept these things about him. But, I guarantee your girlfriends won’t. They will say they do, but they won’t. They will try really hard not to, but they will judge just a little bit. You don’t need that! It’s okay to tell them about his exes, but just be careful about how many details you want to include.

Finances: Why do your friends need to know your boyfriend’s salary? Let’s say it’s really high. If you tell them, all it will do is make things weird when you guys all go out, and your girlfriends will assume he’s buying the drinks. Second scenario, let’s say he’s really hurting for cash. Again, why do they need to know this? It will only make them feel sorry for him or give you a lecture on how you should consider keeping your options open and dating a guy with money. When you’re in love, finances don’t matter. So, you have two choices. Love the guy for who he is, or break up. How much dough he has is no one else’s business!

Political views: “He’s a democrat,” or “He’s a republican,” is all you need to say about your honey’s political views. If you get into why he disapproves of Obama’s healthcare plan or how he can’t bear to watch Fox News channel, you’re only hurting yourself. Let your guy talk politics with your girlfriends directly (if it comes up). Don’t share his views for him.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my girlfriends, I tell them LOTS of things about my relationship, and I welcome their advice on certain things. But, just be careful, because sharing too much could cause some issues, and if you end up marrying the guy (or if you’re already married) telling too much might affect the way your BFF feels about your sweetheart and ultimately, that could affect your friendship. 

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the novels Jackpot and Hook, Line, and Sink Him. She is a graduate of Boston University with a master’s degree in communication, and she currently writes for various magazines. Jackie lives with her family in Chicago where she is working on her next novel. To learn more: www.jackiepilossoph.net

A Plea to Prospective Parents (Both Civilian & Celebrity)


So, you've decided to procreate.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but sometime in the not-too-distant future, the world will be blessed with your offspring.  As I'm sure you've already realized, becoming a parent is a HUGE responsibility and you will have a lot of decisions to make about your child before he/she is even born, one of the most important being a name.  It's easy to screw this up, just look at all the famous people who've saddled their kids with unwieldy and/or ridiculous monikers.  Bad baby-naming is practically an epidemic in the entertainment industry, and if you don't want your poor, unsuspecting progeny to suffer the same fate, I beg of you to consider the following before filling out your child's birth certificate. Pay attention Reese, Drew, Snooki, Uma, Tori, and all you other gestating celebs!

Your bundle of joy is not, I repeat not, a color, a fruit, or an animal of the furry or feathered variety.  Ergo, names like Apple (daughter of Gywneth Paltrow & Chris Martin), Sparrow (son of Nicole Richie & Joel Madden), Blue Ivy (daughter of Beyoncé & Jay-Z), and Bear Blu (twice-tortured son of Alicia Silverstone & Christopher Jarecki) will not be readily accepted by society.  In fact, I'm willing to bet good money that your little darling, Persimmon Panda, will be mercilessly teased on the playground, so please restrain yourself.

Classic names like Katherine, Elizabeth, Jonathan, and Robert have stood the test of time very well.  Others, however, have not, and they are now so hopelessly outdated that they all but reek of mothballs.  Case in point, I have a good friend who was named after her aunt Mildred.  It might have been a nice tribute to an elderly relative, but how would you like to go through your formative years with such an antiquated handle?  My pal ended up going by the nickname Middy instead.  Years later, when this friend got married, she wouldn't even allow the minister to use her full name in the vows (her husband and I both got a chuckle out of this.)  I urge you to think twice before you bestow a lifelong sentence of Mabel(daughter of Bruce Willis & Emma Heming), Ethel(daughter of Lily Allen & Sam Cooper), Archibald(son of Amy Poehler & Will Arnett), Marion(daughter of Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick), Pearl and Lucille (daughters of Maya Rudolph & Paul Thomas Anderson), or Agnes Lark (daughter of Jennifer Connelly & Paul Bettany who got hit with a double whammy by her parents) on the fruit of your loins.

***SIDE NOTE*** European royalty gets a pass for using fugly, old-fashioned names on their spawn.  It is, after all, their duty to keep centuries-old traditions going.  But don't think for a moment that the young royals aren't seething with resentment over their musty monikers.  Why else would Harry aka "The Party Prince" act out the way he does or why would Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie embarrass their family by wearing those hideous chapeaux in public?  (Take that, Granny!)

My mother got the idea to name me Tracie from her older sister's high school boyfriend (Tracy), so I have nothing against a good unisex name, unless it's taken to the extreme.  Maxwell Drew - really, Jessica Simpson?  There is no chance that anyone will ever see that name on paper and think that there's a girl attached to it.  Ditto for Sawyer (daughter of Sara Gilbert & Allison Adler), Lou (daughter of Heidi Klum & Seal), and Mason (daughter of Camille & Kelsey Grammer.)

It should go without saying that names like Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter of Penn Jillette & Emily Zolten), Kal-El (son of Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim), Charlie Ballerina (daughter of Jeremy Sisto & Addie Lane), Pilot Inspektor (son of Jason Lee & Beth Riesgraf), and Audio Science (son of Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton) are ill-advised.  Those kids' parents can afford the therapy bills for their traumatized tots; you can't.  If you're pondering a baby name that's "fun," "different," or a "little wacky," ask yourself this:  Would Frank Zappa (father of Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Diva Thin Muffin) have approved?  If the answer is "yes," immediately proceed to a more traditional Plan B!     

Now that you know what notto do when naming your offspring, I have confidence that you will not fail in this crucial task.  I thank you, and your children-to-be thank you for sparing them a lifetime of having to explain what the heck their parents were smoking when they decided to call them Gertrude Moonbeam or Parachute Magoo.

Did you ever contemplate naming your small fry something off-the-wall?  Do you have a friend or family member whose little one bears a name that makes you wince in sympathy every time you hear it?  If so, let me know in the comments below!

An avid reader and writer, Tracie Banister has been scribbling stories since she was a child, most of them featuring feisty heroines with complicated love lives like her favorite fictional protagonist Scarlett O'Hara. Her Hollywood-themed Chick Lit novel, Blame It on the Fame, was released in January, 2012. She blogs about books and other fun stuff at http://traciebanister.blogspot.com/ and her Twitter handle is @traciebanister.