Stories from the Hart: Leaving Lucas, Part 1

Leaving Lucas by Shannon Hart
Part 1

I stared at the blank page for hours. It was as if the white lined page that came out of my favorite notebook was looking back at me, mocking me for not knowing what to write. It was annoying the heck out of me. I was stuck. Completely and utterly stuck.
I sighed.
With only a few hours left before my flight, I had to write something – anything – but I had absolutely no idea what to write. I didn’t even know where to begin.
Thanks a lot, Lucas.
This – my state of blankness – was happening all thanks to Lucas. This was his fault, not mine.
What was I thinking – trying to leave him a cowardly note?
Yes, that’s right – a note. Why? Because I didn’t know how else to tell him.
I was perfectly fine a few days ago. My mind was set. I had my tickets booked online, my new job waiting for me over in Atlanta, my new apartment – furnished and all – waiting for me to move my stuff into, and my stuff already partially taken away by the movers and some taken to be stored in my sister’s attic.
Two weeks ago, I watched Lucas move his stuff out, pack all of it into an oversized van and watched him drive the van away, taking my heart with him in the back seat. Five days ago, I finally embraced the fact that I was becoming single again and about to embark on an exciting new journey in life that involved a better career, a better paycheck, and definitely a better chance of finding a steady, long term relationship that would hopefully develop into marriage and kids five or six years down the line. You know, with a guy who wasn’t so insecure and intimidated by my career; a guy who loved me enough to want to pack up and move anywhere in the world with me because the job offer I got was just way too good to pass up; a guy who would at least give it a try before completely dismissing the idea.
And maybe, as a bonus, he’d have less of a short fuse too. That way, I could actually try and to talk to him like civil human beings instead of fight our way through discussions any time a big decision needed to be made.
So, in other words, I wanted to be on the lookout for a guy who was the complete opposite of Lucas.
What was I thinking – trying to make him turn his life upside down for me?
But when I found him sitting on the cold steps in front of my building yesterday morning, everything that I thought I had decided became uncertain again. By simply pulling out a red box from his pocket and getting down on one knee with tears in his eyes, he undid three months worth of thinking and I was back to being just as confused as I was when I first found out I got offered the lead anchor job in Atlanta.
I didn’t take the ring, but I didn’t exactly decline the offer either.
Instead, I told him I was touched by his proposal but needed to think – because I did need to think about it and because I didn’t want to make some rash decision to accept it just because I was, or am, still in love with him.
The last twenty-four hours were gruesome.  Not only was I sleep deprived, but I had to make the hardest decision of my life.
On one hand, I wanted to be with Lucas. Oh God, did I want to be with Lucas. We had been together for five years and all I ever wanted was to build a life with him and to grow old together. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. My knight in shining armor, my sunshine; you name it – he was everything to me. The only reason we broke up was because I wanted to take the job but he didn’t want to move to Atlanta with me.
So, when he asked me to marry him and told me he’d move to Atlanta with me with tears dripping down his cheeks, I should have been ecstatic, right? Accepting his marriage proposal and starting a new life with the guy I loved desperately should have sounded like a dream come true, right?
But no, I wasn’t ecstatic at all.
If anything, it just got me thinking: Did he really want to marry me, quit his job as a head chef here and move all the way to Atlanta? Or was he doing this just because he was afraid of what life would be like if we weren’t together? Was he just trying to “keep” me because he just didn’t want to be without me?
After clutching on to my pen for hours, I finally took the cap off and started to write.
Dear Lucas,
This probably isn’t the answer you were hoping for.
I stopped writing again.  I finally had the words formed in my head, but I couldn’t bring my hands to actually write them.
Oh God, this is too hard.
Just as I took in a deep breath and tried to write again, I heard keys rattle behind me and I instantly froze.
He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be preparing for a big dinner at the restaurant he worked at.
Crap. Why is he home?
To be continued... What do you think of Leaving Lucas so far? What do you think will happen? Share your thoughts in the comments section. Thanks!